11/29/2025
I’m sleep deprived when I’m writing this so be aware.
I’ve been thinking on the concept of loneliness. I thrive on it, everything I do and make is a product of my own loneliness. It’s difficult being fundamentally incompatible off the bat with a lot of people around you for different reasons. For me, it’s that I seem to be attractive to everyone and yet have nothing they want… I’m perfect to me, and every part of my personality is the way I want it, but at the same time, it’s difficult to be as I am.
In addition, even though I loathe it, I want to say I have no social media. This website and blog is for the me that exists anonymously, who wants to create and be known as someone new. I have nothing to share with anyone, and sometimes, even though I know better, it feels like I’m empty compared to their world.
Living like this, estranged while still on familiar wavelengths, is interesting. Such small little details, like not having social media, not liking typical American things, being alternative without the style and neurodivergent in general… it’s very hard for me to cope with.
Still, I have to help others, to connect with them even in the little moments. It would be horrible to lose my love for goodness just because I want to become bitter over sentiments that would erase me.
It’s… interesting. That’s all I can say about it.
But on the same note, isn’t it weird to anyone else how people can get together just based off a face or one little string? Maybe the reason I struggle so hard with these things is because I’m seeing some sort of superficiality in a place that isn’t there. Maybe it’s my apathy, or the slight pull to the void I feel when someone even looks at me. Who knows, really.
All I know is, if I lose myself, I’ll fail to keep what I’ve built, and yet it’s a double edged sword that keeps me weak in my community.
I honestly love it for me, but I know you’d be horrified if I ended this on the idea of this being a positive note, so I’ll hold my tongue.
11/29/2025
I wrote this after some thought. I think I’ll put it in fun posts because I think it’s funny or fun or something, and also because it’s not that serious for the serious posts. Plus when I write about me, I’m always in a good mood since it means it’s probably healthy.
I’ve considered the topic of gender before… in real life, I’m not sure what I look like in the world. My outside self does not match what I want to express myself as, and yet I don’t feel any problem with that. I think my true self exists inside my head only, controlling this body like a robot while only I get to see myself.
Besides, like I said in my webmaster page somewhere, my ideal would be a whimsigoth maven, gothic and moody and snarky.. knowledgeable and wise, peppy and all cool and whatever. I can walk the walk, talk the talk, but why am I wearing Hello Kitty LOL
And gender, right.. I mentioned gender.
Being sapphic while aroace, I wonder if that’s like a beacon to others that I am also nonbinary… but even if it was, I have no idea how to explain that I’m also lowkey like desiring to be this masculine enby who’s androgynous enough that it comes back to being feminine? I’m gorgeous irl if you didn’t know (you never will) and I get hit on by STUPID GUYS because I can’t dress like I want to… one day, though. Once I find out where to get clothes lol
Btw.. the only thing stopping me from making my own clothes is that I lost the needle’s foot for my sewing machine. Literally the machine is in my bedroom and I can make whatever I want, but I can’t. And I can’t hand-sew because I have shaky hands and second guess everything, plus my adhd makes me useless at it. Plus, if you wanted to feel bad about it (or indifferent but slightly amused about it) some more, my mother would kill me if I just up and dyed all my clothes black (although I’ve tried, I can’t find any ethical or cheap dyes. I might do it the opposite way and just bleach all my clothes… I LOVE white-styled goths… and with my black hair?? girl…)
11/25/2025
I got to thinking of what makes good media 'good' today. (aka my ramblings about this one facet of nothing basically)
I think I like something with a hidden motive or just complexity in general... something very sweet on the surface - or not even sweet and just this straightforward narrative - that gives way to something else. I love things that make you almost wish they were something else. I've heard it said about HxH before, how they wish Gon listened when he was told it was dangerous (and therefore stayed a little bitty peanut forever).
When media makes us have these kinds of reactions, like oh, I loved how simple it was back then (bonus points if it started out innocent or was some random story who changed just out of opportunity), I see it almost bittersweet. On one hand, you can go forward and then look back, seeing how far you came, but at the same time, you'd never be at the start again. I think that applies very heavily to life too, so that's just how it is, isn't it?
This reminds me a lot of Steven Universe, actually, but I've seen the artbooks for that. She had that all planned out, so I'm not counting it in this post for anything other than nostalgia.
11/21/2025
I wish I knew why people don't mind their own business... people in this world can have nothing to do with one another, and when they do come together, its based on a group of common threads. Ideally, those that do not align themselves with those threads would just break themselves off from them, but instead, we see that they just shame and attack those who they don't like. Are we to say that anyone one finds disgusting should be abhored in the eyes of the many? Why are others weak to the words of the few when they could be true to their individual selves?
There are days I wonder if one truly knows what they're talking about, or if it's more of a prerecorded message planted in their head by an anonymous friend. How much of what you say, if you even stop to consider it, is your own words? Would you have said this, what, a week, a month ago? What have you learned, or yet, what are you assuming you know?
It's hard to say things like this in earnest, as nothing changes from one person's view. Others would read it, maybe, and then think for three seconds, but be washed back to the corporate shore that came from Atlanta, Georgia. We make rules like Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism because, at its core, we are powerless to do anything but 'say this'. People would be drinking away home-grown civil rights in a bottle for 5 cents. Three people came together to put in their 2 cents, and the fourth spent it just like that. Now they can't even spare 2 pennies. But when you bite into the barbed wire and tear down the wall, things improve. And in about... we'll say, ten to thirty years, you become a tack on the wall of people who 'tried' something. Almost like a moodboard that girls get off of pinterest to dress their next day away.
If you can't imagine that, go to Wikipedia on your google dot com and look up punk culture, then go down and down until you get to recent days. And then go look at the music and our lives.
This isn't related, or perhaps it is, but I often wonder why people don't just collectively stop. I think of the over-romantisized 1970s, where it's said everyone did just that. They couldn't bite the wire, as they bled out when it wouldn't give, so they all gave up. There's nothing to lose, either, as if everyone gave up, then nothing would have a consequence since nothing is real. Is that too evil of me to think of? I think it is lol
Anyway if you want a tldr, basically people want world peace but don't want to give each other peace. Shoutout to the peace, love, unity, and respect of those who are still good in this world. Probably the majority of my indieweb girlies (all genders).