This is stupid to say here since it is exactly the space I'm talking about, but I hate not having a place to tell people something where the person who it's said about will never find it. I'm sure it's not a secret to tell you that I don't have many friends, but the issue even when I have friends is that THEY are friends with friends. And internet mutual friends suck so badly because everyone tells the other person everything...

If you read this and were like "well that's not true" then you need to keep your friends. Because to me, if it's not like I'm telling one friend something like how I'm going to stab our mutual friend or take over their lives, why are we telling. Like I say to them I like their hat and I tell you that I like the shape but hate the color, why are YOU telling them I said I hate it?

And it's worse because that 'love language thing', mine is gift giving, so I would do something like know everything about the person, note that they love this hat, and tell them how they can make themselves look like a goddess in it. I have one of those memories where everything stays around, like my best friend's favorite color or pokemon. So much so that I can stand in the middle of the store and remember what they told me like... it has to be ~4 years ago? and then send them a photo. I wish I could have bought it, but we hadn't seen each other in a while. It was my fault too, but ironically I don't want them to know what kind of split caused that. Even now, I feel like we're less close, but in the end I know it has to be my pov as well or another split... I half wish I never got around to studying myself for years to get my diagnosis, but at the same time I feel so much better getting those brain-scratching feelings of being completely sane but mentally ill at the same time a name.

Anyway, holy tangent, that's not even the theme of this entry!! I wanted to talk about how I have nowhere to tell about someone. I could see how people make alternate social medias, but you can't even do that anymore because of the metadata and trackers shoving shit right back at them. And then because all I have to my name Cobie is my website and so, obviously I show it to them. I want to talk about them here because I know in my heart they don't see it, but then they'll randomly pull it up. And unfortunately I'm not born with the MySpace drama gene, so I like to be subtle and private with my crashouts and drama.

Plus there's so many other factors... I don't know, really. We're good friends and they'll know if I did it. Then my handy dandy bpd will come for me and make me either hate them or hate me for writing it down. But even private journaling doesn't satisfy my heart, I feel like I need a witness or someone who might catch me, otherwise it feels useless. I talk to myself all the time, but I need more than myself.

Although speaking of, I do want to talk about something that is debatably related? Or similar, whichever one.

I will start it by saying that I generally understand that one has to go outside and be around people to make friends. OR they have to go online and wade through miserable places and find someone who isn't miserable OR make something cool enough that other cool people come to talk about it. A lot of people don't like random DMs though, as I think I spoke about before, so who really knows. And emails feel worse than DMs, like are you allowed to...? What's the thing for emails on the indieweb, no one really says no, but it feels like something to only save for something important... Anyway, that doesn't matter.

This is about me wondering what a really good friend would be like. I thought I knew, but maybe I'll never know. Coming to mind, all my friends were just people I was around and decided to share things with, but isn't that what I do here? And the anonymous person whose eyes may or may not read this sentence and I are likely not friends to one another. And all the time I will make smaller friends by talking to people and telling me all about me, but then I never feel bad when we drift apart. I was told it was my fault or at least on my end that the connection faded, but the old advice that a friendship is between two people comes to mind, then.

I think about friendship the same way I think about my asexuality in the sense that they're in the same arena. So many people don't really need me and I know I won't imprint on their lives, but I'm always told it takes time. But all the time is so boring... I don't know why, but nothing comes of my small talk with people. I can talk with a lot of people at a table, listen in on the conversation and interject, laugh when someone says something funny, all that stuff. But it's almost like a dead end. We talk about shared classes or work, boring political things, food, harmless jokes about people, shared stressors.. It never really goes anywhere. I think you're supposed to invite them somewhere, propose you do something private together or hang around their friends. People online want to play games I don't have or do things I don't have time for. When I don't have them, I get the joy of listening in to discord calls of people laughing while I can't turn on my mic. It ended up being my trigger, discord calls, and I can't even tell you why because the person will find it if I write it down here.

And then I had an idea, why don't we just talk like we're best friends right now? I've met just three people who are willing to do that, and we were friends for the longest time. I would talk to them and them alone for a long time and they would come to me after everything was said and done. I would watch for them and eat with them, convince them to get me things and then make up for it with my own trinkets because I know exactly what they like. I was picture perfect as a snapshot of your best friend, and all of it was just acting for fun and having deep conversations about things we didn't have in common. I don't know about cars, but I'll listen to you for hours talk about your favorite models and ask questions and make jokes while we walk and get coffee. Worst part, it wasn't even fake, and in those moments I can tell you perfectly what friendship and love means. It's when I'm at my happiest, when I can just talk with just that one person of the day and text you if you're missing and be prepared to let you know what you missed. And then, I don't know, the haze of me not caring for whatever reason came upon me and they suffered from me not being able to feel emotions. When I dated, I never really felt love, but I kind of knew that I loved them, if that makes sense. Like if I polled my heart and meditated on my reactions, my heart responded Yes like a magic 8-ball. And they made me so mad... I never said that to them, but the relationship tanked for other reasons.

And yet I come online on discord every so often to see who's online. I only have about three contacts now, and none of them know what I'm like now, what I like, who I am. I don't know why, we could talk any time, but I get left alone like a summer friend on roblox you met on the slop game of the year lol. I began to wonder what the outlook of my friend life would be like, now that I started the process of rejecting even my IRL friends against my will. And then maybe this is why this page spawned into existence, because I don't tell my secrets to anyone else. And it's entirely safe for the same reason, none of these truths are connected to me irl because I just don't exist. The Another that was in your class photos who you don't remember, the extra student.

So many people that I meet, they think of me very highly every time. Maybe I do hurt them when I cut them off for my own emotional reasons. I can't feel emotions, but I know what love and admiration and wanting to be by someone's side feels like. And I know what hating them because they make me unsettled after a while feels like. Maybe it always is my issue, but I'll never know. Even if you talk like best friends, it's something no one would be able to tell me when even I don't know the question I want to ask. I feel like a child when I put it to words because I'm not saying this out of sadness or depression, but complete curiosity.

I'll talk about one more thing. This is already an inappropriately long post by itself, I'll likely just port it to the blog. (foreshadowing lol)

We talked about me being a leech of a girl already, so now let's talk about me in a group. Of which I already told you the answer. I do terribly in groups.. even just two people is bad for me.

For starters, people adore me and what I do for them and how I care for them. That will work between me and bestie, but the moment another person comes in, I kind of shut down? To begin with, I would be so unhinged if I acted like my first thoughts tell me to act. Everything with me is exclusive and elusive, and when a third person comes in, I tend to not speak to them at all or act like they ruined our conversation, if I don't just leave first. I did it with my friend's friend once, but to be fair I already hate her. If she stayed around, I would still hate her. She did nothing but irritate me alone and make fun of me to the group we existed in, so I most definitely would have ended up ruining her if she didn't leave. And this wasn't just me being crazy, MULTIPLE other people talked about her behind her back and her entire graduating class did not like her. I actually was relieved that she was how another relationship began and then she left, otherwise I would have lost my good friend because of what I would have done.

So now that we see me + friend + person I hate, let's think about an entirely normal dynamic. Me and my school table-mates who will never see this ever so I can talk about them openly. Essentially, I made a really good friend, the kind you walk to your car with and risk getting in trouble with and can joke about. Even now, the only thing keeping me around is that they are more stable than my other friend and they seem to like me. We're both neurodivergent in very similar ways and they're one of the people who liked my high energy introduction. For about a month we did that, keeping the conversation in that best friend zone without being best friends. It's a brilliant strategy for me because of how quickly we get close and how quickly I learn about the other person.

After I met this person, of course we have the same classes together. They got to know all my little quirks and so, and eventually I convince them to sit next to me in the back for the rest of the semester. They're a bit more outgoing than I am since obviously they don't have my issues that I have. They would speak to the table, and since it was rude to talk to just them in a group, I decided to keep going about and passing the ball back and forth with them. And I did well. I joked with them, knew what they were talking about, and all kinds of stuff. But god, nothing made me want to be friends with them. That, I think, is the entire reason this whole writing exists. WHAT is that key, that moment you know you want to get to know another person? I have little triggers that inform me, like my friend's wardrobe that was essentially all Ace Attorney-ware among other things. That's why I approached them. But in a group, how do you KNOW? What am I supposed to see? Plus I have no socials to share with them, so even if I liked them they would be iffy about me (and have been, it's rough for a girl with no social media in 2026. I will not be getting it though because I have nothing to post and don't even have a brain for posting on there + don't want to be poisoned by making my mental health worse if i'm already at this stage... there WAS a dark age we don't talk about where i was on these apps).

So. People in the groups talk for a while and help each other out, then graduate together or simply never see each other again. So many stories about making best friends in Uni/College, but all it taught me is that I have no drive to do it. And then I feel lonely afterward? Who is in charge of my brain, I have to ask. This makes entirely no sense for me and it isn't even MY fault lmao

Do you know what happens when you have no motivation to seek out a friend, want a friend, and are unable to imprint on someone? Or worse, no one sticks around you and you don't know why. I think people see me as something, but I don't know what that something is. I've been told it was 'scary' but I have no idea what that information means in terms of a stranger. I don't linger on that memory because it's not interesting data for my reflection of me lol. I lowkey think he said that because I keep to myself and stay quiet for the most part, which you might know is the scariest kind of person (to someone like that lol).