top songs of the day I listened to while my foundations teacher watched me butcher a free draw project technically on purpose and not on purpose at the same time:
2/2/2026
I play with sleep so much because I have the luxury of adhd (not that either of those things are good, im very, very aware of that) and can basically live off of random bits of adrenaline. I think it makes me a bit manic during times, but ironically, I've never felt healthier.
I found myself today laughing with people and pretending I was kind of like them... acting silly instead of composed. There was a guy who I wanted to tell him I liked his stickers, but I didn't because I was nervous. I talked to the guy I've been scouting out for a sort of survival friendship since we share so many classes. I talked to a random girl and I wonder what she thinks of me. I wonder what I look like to them.
I walk a lot this year... all my actual art classes are halfway across campus for no reason other than I guess that's where the art building are... Freshmen have to park in the big freshman lot that can be accessed from the main road in town and then we have to walk. You can park in the public parking, too, but it's always full. Meanwhile upperclassmen can park around campus and around the back of it. I feel like that's a little scary to me, in my opinion, just changing routine all like that. Where would I even park once I get further into school? Do they tell you, or are you just supposed to know?
I also think I told my school orientation class teacher too many stupid things all put together. I probably sound like the biggest stereotype in the world to her.. I put on our assignment that I listened to goth rock and wrote gothic lit just to have a theme, but only realized I left out anything else really other than drawing... I said I make my own clothes and upcycle, but I think I did permanent damage. Luckily I'm mature enough not to care but man, I make interesting choices. It would be one thing if this was art school, but it's just a regular old University.
I get intimidated by the other art students in my classes, too, but I'm beginning to realize that I only hang around chill people? A hyper thing like me who gets fired up and starting things probably won't be able to fit in most places. The people in these classes are more like me than I can probably know, but it feels like I'm the odd one out for some reason. One day, I think my goal is stability in my mind to accompany how sturdy I am. I believe in myself, but I can't make others believe in me because I'm so much of a loner type. I told it to my advisor, and she said we could discuss it? I don't know what that means, but I'm sure it'll only go halfway before she realizes I'm just built like this lol.
My math class is so easy too, it's just math-adjacent stuff. We learned factorials and venn diagrams just to 180 into graphs... I mean, like we're being taught what vertices and edges are on a graph, and we learned it all class... and I LEARNED some stuff. Clearly I wasn't meant for real math, or maybe I'm just happy to be less logical for a while.
All this feels different today. I only had 30 minutes to get ready and go out this morning and was late for my 9am classes. Genius me made the best decision to take morning classes to force myself to stay awake the whole day and not be driving home after sunset. Cue me having to play carpool and go back home... I set an alarm for 7 at 3:45am and I was Ready. And then all of a sudden I get called at 7am to say I have to drop off someone who had to be there by 7:45.. and then so naturally I get home at 8am, class is at 9:30 and its a 15 minute walk to the building on the other side of campus... I wasn't told I had to drop someone off, either. I was slaving over my art project until 1am while watching Twitch, then took a bath and got out at 3am. But, naturally, I slayed still and didn't leave anything important behind, so I'm still chill about it.
Also I've been consistently (except today because I didn't have the time that I planned to have) dressing in like a whimsigoth-romantic-trad goth mix to school... my teachers know me by name, I think it's over for me. My outfits are cool though... I bought some ugly jeans that I thought would be better off of an online shop and ended up cutting out a side of a thick overall style body erap (???) faux velvet dress. I've been pinning down the part I'm going to sew, but it already looks like it cost like 40 dollars premium. The pants have grommets, though, so I'll have to replace the brown buttons on the dress, but that's incredibly easy to do. Also rip the skirt I bought, she didn't know I was thick like that so she didn't know what to do with me. I cut it up, and now it's in project limbo until the perfect outfit comes to mind. Now that I think about it, hopefully the girls on campus don't immediately think I'm like a newbie or something to the style because I do the most...
I know it sounds like I'm worried what they think and being like well I don't care anyway so THERE... It's more like I don't care what people think of me, myself, but I at least want to keep a grace about my image? I don't think anyone is starting rumors like this is fifth grade, but as someone who puts on basically costume level work on regular occasions, I don't want to be intimidating or have it seen as fake. (Even though I do buy costumes a lot just to certain things, shut up...)
That last part reminds me that someone put Spirit Halloween on their 'best goth brands to buy
from' list? I need to know what's at Spirit Halloween and if its related to the reason why when
I went to Spencers there were like three goth girls in there. I never thought about going in
there and probably wouldn't on my own... half the stuff in there is uniquely hideous in its own
way. But in the back ofc they have the fetish type stuff you know, and so I think that's what
they were in there for. Ours is kind of small and tucked in the corner of the mall, so they
don't even have a curtain or anything, it's just front and back of the store. But at Spencers
prices, I don't even know if its worth it. Maybe they're rich though, I don't know... I don't
have that kind of cash like that, I'm broke. Wait, was I supposed to know we were communing at
Spencers/Spirit? Or is this because I just skipped the mall goth phase and went straight for
experimentation?
I have infinite song knowledge but I'm still like not enough fashion
pieces or knowledge. The thrift store I like is so far into town that it's a mess trying to back
out of it. The only other option is Goodwill, and that place has a very ominous aura from the
first time I visited, so I haven't been back. Although, I did find the love of my life in a plum
colored jacket with bright purple buttons. It's itchy and scratchy alone, but it's a god-tier
layering piece. My mom scouted out this huge, big place in the capital city, too... If it's not
all expensive, I'll finally have so much better for myself.
Bonus (?):
Just when was wrapping this up guys, Rituel played over yt bc i was fetching those links.. shoutout to the classic. Here's two songs that played btw:
Rituel - She Past Away
Ligea - Witching Hour (goated band btw)
don't tell anyone but this again yk..