2/28/2026
I have no problem with people.
I get social anxiety labels forced on me, but I can talk to anyone. Most people and I are on different spectrums of life (as non-pretentious as I can say it,im not good with words). I don't want to talk about other people or your instagram or what you saw elsewhere, I want to talk about us in the moment. What do you like, what do I like? How can we make each other laugh and relate to each other? But everyone else talks about someone else as if they were in the conversation too, it's so stupid. And I can't even relate it to you because it sounds like a stupid complaint from someone who doesn't have social skills, talking about not talking about other people... Maybe what I'm looking for is someone who understands or is at least willing to hear and engage with whatever stupid things come out of my mouth, engaging personally from the go. Strangers don't bring that energy, and yet I see strangers ask strangers out and date in the same day?
When I try to tell people about this, they call it whatever their minds relate it to. Usually unique or magnetic or something, being so honest and transparent all at once. I end up talking about myself and supporting whatever the other person wants to tell me while they still stay quiet about themselves. I don't think I'll ever have a friend who will match me in this way, I stopped looking. But I don't need a best friend to have friends, I just need to listen and remember. My oldest real friend is still amazed I can remember nearly everything he ever said, so I think I'm set on my side for being a good friend.
People think it's nice to be talented and all cool looking and have interesting things to talk about, but it really isn't. At a certain point, you end up feeling that. If you're not this ultra extrovert who can talk to anyone and tell stories all day, you feel exactly how much you're different from other people. A lot of people in this extended indieweb community are like that, but a lot of them seem to also shun each other? Like, no, those are your people, go get them!! Then the other issue is that people get so lonely that they get volatile and don't realize that's why no one likes them... Vicious cycle, but it won't go away without them getting better first instead of going deeper, which is not my place to speak on. I'm not one for community level socializing, I'm definitely a 1:1 person, so I can't be that person, but I know they could do it.
Ah, anyway, I don't mind as much as I let on here. I get so excited when I see friends or other people who will accept me. Like nerds, we speak about games the way people speak about social media, but it's tied to our feelings about the media, our takes and favorite characters? It's similar but different, that kind of talk will get you further. Like I can talk about how I loved AC Black Flag for the pirate life but hate the present day scenes, and then someone chimes in with their raid stories and it's back and forth. Like our accomplishments!
This isn't related directly but this is another reason I want to be a man, I would be killing it in this world. Mysogyny/the treatment of girl gamers and all aside for this point, I'd also have the superpower of finally probably being so much more secure... If you read the gender stuff on the webmaster page, you'd know what I'm talking about. (The tldr is my body thinks im a boy and it messes up my body and mind relationship with other people because im a masc-ish girl in a hyper feminine style.) People are like "yes, but" when I try to say I'd probably have an easier time making friends in a masc perspective, but I WOULD! And now that I thought it all out with myself, I know it's the truth. The only plus I have right now is as a girl who is (visually) cooler and more put together than all the people I talk to, I basically get free passes to worm my way into certain male spaces. I made a good friend in under 8 days, probably under 12 hours total? I don't even text him, but I feel like I have a red carpet pass to get closer to him.
The other side to this is that it's more likely that my so called friends hit on me... Or do that fake friendship with ulterior motives thing. I just want to chill and talk about stupid things we did recently and make jokes about stupid drama or something. Occasionally have deep conversations and really help each other, but not have that be the entire reason we came together. I don't think this world has that in abundance, I don't know if it ever did. Or maybe that's a new scarcity that came from a modern age and I let too much time pass what with stalling. I changed my entire aesthetic so men would never chase me, and it works, but now no one speaks to me. Am I intimidating now, or was it really that the only reason people come up to someone is because they want nothing from them? Or to hit on them, which I'm glad that era is gone.
Right now, I like talking to myself the most, even as I'm starting to grow into more options in life. I'm more mature, so I know that it isn't bad to do that, either. I can eat Mike and Ikes and type these blog posts in Notepad++ and not even worry if anyone will ever read it. I don't think I'd be able to do that a year ago, just blog and do whatever. Don't know, I was more addicted to chasing some kind of community or follower count, only to find that community SUCKS haha. You're much better off alone and talking to the people who take their time to learn who YOU are rather than chase coattails of people you admire that won't give you any time. Instead, like I keep saying, you keep your mutuals and acquaintances circle wide, but you're better off keeping the people you call friends small. The language might not matter, but people who cut you off for this or that aren't really friends.
My secret backstory I'll also note here is that I hate discord and the community that live inside it. To start with, it's a private sinkhole away from everyone, which already brings a kind of temper to the possible conversations. People complain about discord being private for various reasons, but I genuinely feel like any kind of private public community can only turn out for the worse eventually. Moreover, why would you want to toss yourself to a bunch of strangers IN that environment? Hello?
There used to be these girls who were a bit younger than me? I was like 14-15 so they must have been 12-13-ish? They were a MESS bro, they'd date and break up and send death threats back in forth wherever they went? One of them got groomed too (they allowed it and then pretended like they didn't) and then vented about it to gain sympathy and then in the next hour told everyone to shut up about it and she would unfriend whoever made fun of it? And then went and got back together with the other person. Then we tried to set up all these different things but the toxic one would be toxic to the new community members lol... It was just a mess, that's the only word I can use. It's a very specific piece of information that shouldn't influence my views on discord as a whole, but at the same time discord is built on situations like that so it's par for the course. As of now I'm email only, as far as I can tell, just using discord for notifications as God would want it lol (btw there is no speck of heavenly light in that platform, nothing at all.)
I like having a website much better because I don't get crazy people controlling me!! I get these alternative social medias and don't have to deal with the kind of people online that I hate... I write and create for me, so I get this ultimate stage of talking to myself and showing it privately to my friends. And I make friends over emails! So cool..
Anyway enough socialslop, bye chat.