DOWN 1
I remember nothing. Who I was, that was who I was then. It can't be who I am now.
When I opened my eyes, I felt something almost indescribable. It was just for a second, but it felt like the entire severance of both time and my senses, as if I were drifting in water my exact temperature. I was paralyzed in the moment, with my arms and legs unable to move. My eyes were shut tight, and I was only able to open them just halfway.
That is to say, when I did open my eyes, it wasn't any better.
Here, I traded entire sensory deprivation to a sight never seen. With my limbs still weighing me down, my eyes were forced upward. Above me was a complete, perfect circle of darkness. The rim around it, which I took to be walls, were a solid silver, and there was no source of light. Despite what should have been darkness, everything was visible, just between the boundary of dark and light. As I turned my attention to the void above me, I found that I couldn't even register it as a void at all. There was something there, I knew there was. Nothing that could be seen by just my eyes alone, but it existed. And the black, it was an entirely new color!
The smell of the room was one that was both sweet and metallic at the same time. It was a neutral scent. It very clearly wasn't natural, but it never imposed.
As I opened my eyes, I had the sense that I been here for a long time. But did I ever come here to begin with?
"Happy birthday," said Alize.
I wasn't sure how I knew the name. Regardless, she came towards me in her long, solid blue dress and ankle-length hair. She kneeled beside me, grabbing my arm as if she were taking my pulse. When she was done with that, she reached into my shirt, across my shorts, pulled at my hair... All manner of things. It felt like an emergency room visit, but she had a very gentle expression throughout it all.
"You're healthy, so why don't you stand?"
Alize had an airy, raspy voice, as if she had been shouting for years straight. It was ruined and sheep-like, and as I looked at her, her eyes darted. We were complete strangers, but I felt as if we had known each other forever. I was relaxed, more so than I should have been, but I could not tell you why.
"Alize," I said before I realized I even uttered a sound. "Where is this?"
She pointed upward. "Can you not see it? Up there! We still have a ways to climb. But I think we can make it." Then she pointed to my left, to the silver wall of the circular room. "That is what you shouldn't be able to see, correct?"
"I… What is it?" I asked.
Indeed, there was nothing to see but our own reflection. Her reflection. I was not in it.
"Don't act like you don't know. If you go in there, all your work to get to the top of the circle will have been for nothing!" She kneeled beside me, putting her ear to my chest to listen to my heartbeat. When I peered down, I saw her gaze slowly turn towards me. "Yes, you should be ready by now."
"Where are we going?"
"Up. You are to face your life before you can leave forever. You've been a few times now, I won't repeat myself forever." As she spoke, she tugged on my arm and pulled me to my feet. I forced myself to comply, and so I saw her smile. "There you are."
"Please," I said, my legs still stumbling from whatever mysterious condition brought me here. "Tell me one more time, I'll listen."
"It's not about listening, it's about remembering… I won't waste time explaining for essentially a hundred different people coming to me a hundred times in a row." Once I was steady and could walk on my own, she moved to mess with her hair. "You remembered my name, so perhaps you are the only one who will teach this lesson to yourself."
"But—"
"And you said that last time, you know that? 'One more time.' It's a perfectly humanic thing to say."
"How long?" I blurted out before she could interrupt again.
She squinted at the phrasing. As if it were such an odd thing to ask!
She paced around in front of me for a while before she responded. When she tilted her head back to speak, her long hair grazed against the floor. "How long have you been here? Or something else?"
I began to answer, but she tilted her head to the side, almost scoffing at me with some pitiable expression. "Wait. You understand that this is asking me to repeat myself as well?"
I didn't respond. Now I had to weigh the idea that everything I could ever say to her was a thing I already said. And with that realization, I also realized that the realization itself was one that likely had happened every time, as well. I let myself look down to the floor. It was silver like the walls, and my shadow cast directly under me. Where I had no reflection, she had no shadow.
"I understand," I said at last. "Can you tell me… um, no, let me understand it all just one more time. I'll let you save your breath."
"You said that as well," she chuckled darkly. "Although, that particular phrase is a rarity, and I haven't heard it in some time. For that, I will humor you."
She pointed above us again, peering into the abyss. "This is your Life. I can see it, but you cannot, as we established in a while ago. And no, I do not know the reason.
"There was a singular time that you could see everything in this room, just like me, but it was very early on." Then she returned to the silver walls. "Beyond there, anything that goes through it can never leave. Even I know not what it is, so I cannot advise that you should enter it."
"And—"
"And," she snapped, "you are going up your Life so that you may live again. Otherwise, you will remain in Unlife. I also know not what lies beyond Unlife. I simply cannot follow you as you leave."
"And how do I leave?" I asked.
"You go up. Tell me when you are ready, but there is no preparation possible. Can you even remember your life?"
I polled my mind. My breath seemed to freeze as I considered it. I couldn't remember, that part was true, but it was also hard to panic when you don't know what you were missing. Still, the surprise must have registered on my face, as Alize bowed forward ever so slightly.
"Exactly my point."
She ran her hands through her fingers, braiding her hair in the most unnatural fashion. With her hands above her head, she braided it upward in a wide, loose base, and then let the rest of it remain undone. As she let it go, the loose hair grew in length, tightening the braid as it began to form all on its own. As the hair braided itself, it launched dead into the black fog of the room.
Before I could ask, she begin to laugh as if she had remembered a long lost memory. "You know, you once called me after Rapunzel after the second loop. You told me about her life." But then her smile faded into something more solemn. "You forgot who Rapunzel was, but you never forgot me and what I did for you. Is this the loop that you… forget?"
I didn't respond to this, either. I would never tell her that we were practically strangers now, that all my feelings that seemed to exist were now perfectly neutral. I let my eyes move to the circle again, following the braid that seemed to stretch to infinity. "Do you know what this life was like?"
"I know nothing of your life. Please let me know when you are ready. We can go at any time."
DOWN 2
Alize stared at me today. I think that I wasn't unconscious that time. I had fallen from some height, but I can't remember why or how.
Alize stared at me.
"Happy birthday," she whispered, helping me up as she looked back up at the sky. "That was the fastest time."
Was I supposed to say something? What was it she wanted from me?
The room we were in was cold. The top of the room was some kind of black fog that threatened to reach down and suffocate us. The color hurt my eyes if I looked at it for too long. All around me were flat, tarnished, silver walls. I could see Alize in the reflection, but it must have been too fogged and smoggy to see my own reflection.
"What is this?" I said to myself, waving my hands in the air to ward off the fog.
"Again? You promised!" She laughed as she looked upward, towards the fog. "Well, regardless if you remember or not, I have a theory. Can I tell you?"
She didn't wait for me to respond. "Every time you return, perhaps you drag the place down with you. Like a moment in time…"
"Where am I coming from, then?" I asked, naive as ever.
She swung her hands behind her back to clasp them together. "Well, stranger, you are coming from Life. You must return to it as soon as possible… I know not why you fall out so often, but I will see that you stay up there, one of these days."
I wanted to ask her more, but then I witnessed her braiding. Never, in any life, had I seen a thing like it before. The way it whipped and wisped, twirling through the fog, up and beyond as if it became one with it. She kneeled on the floor, her head twisting with the rhythm of the fog's tails.
"I know what you want to say, and I can't explain it to you. We cannot stay in this iteration, this world will suffocate you." She pulled me by the hand. "Come, now."
DOWN 3
"Yes, this must be what happens to you when you return," Alize said to me.
The room was a bright blue, just like the sky itself. It was beautiful, and I felt almost like I might have flown away if we stayed too long.
"Mind the walls. They still exist, but now they reflect all of this… state. Stay close to me."
I eyed her warily as I stood up. When I tried to stand, I looked straight down at my... lack of a body? I gasped, but I could hear nothing, and my chest — or what might have been my chest — didn't move when I inhaled. I looked down at where my hand should be, and I could feel it when I rubbed my fingers together.
When I couldn't even feel my body, I decided to lean over to touch the ground. It was smooth and cold, and a shadow was under what should have been my legs. When I jumped, it shrank, and when I extended my arm, it stretched its shape to match. So I was invisible, but had a shadow with no body and no voice.
Alize said nothing to me, but I suspected she was watching. Alize could still see me, so I still existed. Maybe my own senses were failing me.
"Do you believe me?" She asked suddenly. Her eyes narrowed as she scanned around my direction. She must have been able to see me, she had to have.
I looked up at the sky, regrettably. I bowed over in pain as I was met with the bright, blinding white of pure sunlight. I fell to my knees, my forehead against the ground as I panted against the sudden sensation of heat. It felt like summer in just one instant.
"You told me about something like this, I believe." Alize said to herself from the side of me. "Is this the color of blue? And this is the sky that you had told me about?" She must not have seen me until she looked over, as she came over to me and forced me back on my feet. "So you remember the color blue, at least, if you can remember the sky. But with all this blue, does that mean you forgot the color black?"
I hesitated at her words. "Black…?"
"Do you remember the color of the smoke, the one that happened just last iteration?"
"I.." I don't say it out loud, but it seems that she can hear me all the same, even through the fact that I had no voice. I looked at her for a reaction. Nothing in her face had changed, but she had an air of disappointment around her. I didn't know what to tell her, so I nodded my head and hoped it was the correct answer.
It was the wrong choice.
"You can tell me the truth. I hope you aren't growing to distrust me, there is no reason for it." Her grip loosened on me, but she turned away. "Or is that just the natural state of the human mind… you are far too fascinating for your own good."
After a moment of silence, she sighed and stood up tall. "Well, we must depart, if you are to recover these color memories for your future. You will do very poorly if you can't remember black and white, let alone the color blue."
"How can I forget colors?" I say to myself. It's a ridiculous notion, but she frowns at me.
I decide not to say anything else.
DOWN 4
When I woke up, I swear I remembered a picture of the sky. It was so lovely, and all my friends stood in it. When I was younger, the sky would go away and the rain would fall onto my face. The water was metallic on my tongue and neutral in my eyes, so I would squeal and play under the cloudy sky. I think I wore some special clothing, and I think it was never always raining. But it was metallic, and the ground had a scent that only came out then it was like this. I remember I would close my eyes and sit on something in the woods, and when I folded my hands, they would collect so many of these little drops of water.
I remember I would get lost on the way home, and I would always manage to get caught in the rain. People told me it caused a cold, but I never got sick, not once. Even the time I got lost and played in the rain to pass the time, I never got sick. I remember letting my boots fill with water until it was a struggle to walk, and then I would trip and laugh.
When I open my eyes, the entire room is a silver-gray. Alize stands in front of me at my feet, staring down at me.
"I wonder how long it will take," she said, pacing around the floor. "You have the potential, but you come back so often. And every time you remember less. Now we hardly ever even speak because of me rushing you back up." Then she turned to me, sitting next to me on the ground. "Tell me, human, do you remember my name?"
"Alize," I said warily, to which she nodded.
"That's right. I am Alize. You are only a human, so you cannot answer me back. But you should have memories, no?"
I didn't respond.
"You told me once about how you liked my hair color. What color is it that you said it was? And what color is my dress?"
I couldn't respond to that either.
"And then I am Rapunzel, and you told me how many people tell her story. None of them made more sense than the other, and every one was never happy. Every time it was told, it was changed to be happier, but then you forgot each rendition, one by one, or mixed them together."
"How many of your memories are imprinted on me, do you think?" She tapped her foot against the floor, looking up at the sky. "Am I seeing something entirely different from you? It changes for me as much as it does for you, but I believe you see less while I see more."
"I'm sorry," I whisper, although I don't know why.
"I almost get to wondering.." She trailed off, putting her hands to her chest as her hair blew in some invisible breeze. "I shouldn't wonder, though, it's not my place."
The silence between us was something tangible, and there was a bright breeze that I knew I was not feeling. It came from Alize, and I could almost feel a life beyond it. Looking around, I wondered if it came from beyond the silver.
When I stumbled towards the walls, pushing a hand against them, Alize grabbed my arm and pulled me back.
"Anything can be beyond there, as I told you many times. I can't follow you, and no one will see you again." She peered straight ahead at it, as if seeing something that I was not. "The safest way out is upward, that will not change."
"If you had to imagine, what is it?" I asked, turning back to face her. "If we can't know, what do you think it is?"
"What do I think?" she rasped with a dull tone. "If we entertain what we think, then we entertain that it could be. It could be Venus in there, or it could be a haven. It could be the easy way out. Or it could eliminate you entirely."
"What if it's not that bad?"
She sighed with a smile."Yes. What if it isn't? And say you hold onto that hope, that it could be different. And when you go open that path to yourself," she pointed to the wall, "you can never come back. What if there is no way out that way, but also no way to die? What if there are more souls behind it?"
"And it could be none of those things…" I said, looking back at the wall. "I don't know the circumstance, but… this feels so familiar."
"Familiar…?" She grabbed me by the wrist once more, tightening her grip as she got ahold of me. "Is that all it takes to potentially give up Life itself? For human whims?"
When she saw that I was just curious, she seemed to frown. "You… should go upward. Once more. I need you to stay there, although I have no idea what could be so bad to make you come back."
She braided her hair up. It whipped up into the sky I could not see, whether it be invisible to me or just unknowable. When I realized the condition of the sky, I stood still instead of doing whatever it was she wanted of me.
"Alize, what do you see here?" I said idly, not sure if I meant to ask her. When I did, her braid lost whatever enchantment it had, beginning to fall to the floor in time with her widening eyes.
"What…?"
The extended hair fell around her in circles, building up at her feet like unraveled yarn; Parts of the silver haze came down with her. It seemed to be silver silhouettes of objects that her strands had siphoned themselves into, and they fell with a heavy clunk, leaving the ground trembling with each impact. Amidst the attack, I turned my eyes to Alize. She was frozen up, almost like stone.
Something bright had fallen right in front of me. In the commotion, I stumbled backwards to shield my eyes while trying to avoid the next crash.I whimpered at the strain of the moment and, another one fell right next to me. The rumble just underneath my feet was the thing that did me in, making me fall directly into the silver walls.
When I tumbled backwards, it was as if a mirror shattered and swallowed me whole. As I fell, I saw Alize, who remained frozen while the braid continued to fall. The objects fell all around her, but my eyes fixated on her in slow motion. I saw her mouth move as if she were saying something, but we departed too quickly for me to catch what it was.
It didn't matter at the end, for the next thing that fell was Alize herself.
We tumbled through a black void, with Alize falling headfirst and myself falling backwards. Here, I had no sense of time, and the temperature of the breeze almost left my body in a neutral, hazy feeling. When I looked to my left, if I could even call it that, I saw her eyes closed in a kind of peace. She looked as if she had died, but I could sense her heartbeat through whatever method it was that I was able to.
The shards of silver wall came down as we fell and sliced her hair, leaving the braid to wisp away in the void. Everything back there was officially severed from us. Where were we going?
At one point or another, I began to fall ever so faster than Alize. I watched her eyes open when I was directly below her, and her face changed to an emotion I had never seen in any sort of lifetime. She was looking beyond me, I could tell.
I felt a trickle of heat at my back, and she began to be bathed in light. As I tried to turn around, she grabbed my leg and crawled her way upon me. With a sturdy grip, she hauled herself upward to hang off of my shoulders. We were face to face at the moment, but she still gazed like I was made of glass. But I had a thought, a thought that it doesn't really matter.
"I forgot to tell you," she muttered. "I wanted to wish you—."